I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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