I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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