he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
