I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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