There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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