I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
