Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
