the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
