i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
