You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
