i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
