My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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