I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
