I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
