I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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