We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
