i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
