the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize