my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
