I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
