My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
