I seem to have left my pride at pride
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
