You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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