So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
