ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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