Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
