My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
