I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
