My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
