You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
