I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
