Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
