I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize