saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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