Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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