I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
