I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
