He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
