The maid of honor just puked.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
