Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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