This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
