I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
