So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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