I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...