woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."