she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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