he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
