my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
