yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
