I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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