I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
