fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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