Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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