drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
