whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
