I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
