he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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