i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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