Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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