....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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