i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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