oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
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I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
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I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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