i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
is that a dick in a sweater?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
